Why I couldn’t stop: my personal account of hyper sexuality after rape (TW RAPE & ASSAULT)

Whore and slut two words that inherently are derogatory and mean towards women but were the two words I thought of regarding myself the most for many years.

The first time I was sexually assaulted I was 13 years old. I was at a place I shouldn’t have been at and was vulnerable to older boys.

At that point in my life, I already hated myself and didn’t feel like I had anything worthwhile to offer to the world. A raw deal for someone that young, in my opinion.I was at a party and at the time was dealing with fainting spells. I fainted, and when I came to, I was being held down by several older boys with someone between my legs.

 At that age and at that time I already had low self-worth. I didn’t really care about anything or what could happen to me. Despite the trauma and raw real pain I felt after this event, I didn’t tell anybody. I was scared. I thought my family would blame me and I already caused enough trouble as it was. So instead, I stuffed it down and didn’t deal with the feelings.

I was 13 years old when I started having sex regularly and with different people following the trauma. It was the only thing that ever made me feel better. I thought that if I kept having sex and not caring about it, I could erase the violation and the pain from the rape.

Fast forward to age 17 with what I thought would be my whole life ahead of me. Instead, more grief and despair awaited me… I was gang raped at gunpoint 20 days before my 18^th birthday. That fucked me up worse than I already was. After that event I locked myself in my room and rarely left for months. I didn’t think I would ever be able to function or live my life again. Soon after I returned to similar patterns of behavior and dated questionable people because I felt like I didn’t deserve any better. When that inevitably crashed and burned, I kept having more sex with countless people trying to fill the void and the emptiness that never seemed to leave. The lack of love and understanding I had for myself truly is heartbreaking to look back on 7 years removed from the situation.

Hyper sexuality and risky behavior that happens during mania only added to the problem at my diagnosis in 2019. Sex for me was already something I used as a coping tool and way to distract myself from the empty vulnerable feeling, so add in mania and it was a match made in hell or heaven I guess depending on how you look at it. During mania, I’ve had sex with 5 or more people in the same day. Writing this right now is hard if I’m going to be honest. Its raw and real but something that I refuse to shy away from because I don’t want any other young girl or boy or older man or woman to feel ashamed.

Telling my story and bringing awareness and raw truth can make a difference, I think. Coping with trauma especially sexual violence is an impossible task and the feelings around them are so multifaceted that people who have never experienced it themselves will never truly be able to understand the loss and grief felt within one owns body. I’m glad for that though, I wish no one ever had to experience these feelings. Unfortunately, that is not the reality of society or the world we live in. I did want to take a second to address hyposexuality as well.  I can’t personally speak about that experience as hyposexuality has never occurred for me, but I just want people to know that there is always someone out there who will understand and coping and handling challenges that occur are easier with someone else in your corner. I’ve done it both ways with no one and with people and I’ve started to be able to heal with reaching out to the people in my life who care about me.  

As a rape survivor, those feelings and emotions stay with you for life. I don’t think I will ever forget, but what I am working towards now is healing from it. Moving on with my life and not shaming myself for decisions I made from anger and just trying to make it through.

Shame around sex is high in a lot of society, but I think a lot of us who experience hyper sexuality experience it on a different level. At least for me the internalized shame I feel is high, even today. I am not proud of the number of people I’ve had sex with, or the fact that I don’t remember a lot of them. However, after being in therapy and working through those feelings I can recognize I was doing what I could for myself to cope at the time and that is nothing to be ashamed of.

 Sometimes the shame and self-hatred rise for me, but I have come a long way, and aren’t we all just a work in progress? Occasionally I still see myself falling into old patterns of behaviors, but I do my best to make smart and healthier choices when possible. I’ve learned to not let others shame me or make me feel bad about my experiences or what I have gone through. At the end of the day, I’m just me and doing my best.  I have learned in the last few years that my best is not going to be the same every day, and I have learned to accept that.

Thanks for reading.

Peace and Love,

Niamh