It’s been a while since I wrote anything… TW talk of suicide/ mental illness

Bipolar disorder is like a chronic illness… debilitating and lifelong. This is the first time I’ve picked up a pen and paper or a laptop to write in several months. My family and I call it “being on the bus”. I’m never fully off but I get close sometimes.

I went into a pretty severe manic episode following deep depression and right back into it after. I haven’t had the energy to really do anything that matters to me. I’ve spent all my time just trying to muddle my way through. Not get fired, not fuck up my relationships, just exist as best as I could. I wasn’t really doing that great of a job if mi going to be honest, but I was trying my best. At this point in my life, I’ve spent most of my time here on earth on the bus. I don’t really know much else besides for it. I wish I did, but my treatment resistant bipolar 1 makes that a little more difficult.

I’m really tired of trying so hard and not really feeling like I am getting anywhere. I did not end up in the psych ward (thankfully) this episode, but I came close. Way too close for comfort. My psychiatrist wanted to have me committed but my older brother was getting married the next week and I didn’t truly feel like I was in imminent danger of myself, and I have a solid safety plan. A good safety plan can be the difference in life or death in my experience. While I personally have not had a good experience being in psych wards, I know that it is necessary and important to be there when you need to be. If I am going to be honest with myself now, was that where I needed to be? Probably. However, if I got any worse, I would’ve gone.

Suicidal thoughts are a tricky one for me to figure out when I should go get committed. When I’m at that level of depression it feels like I’m drowning underwater, and I keep getting pulled back down even when I’m close to reaching the surface and breaking free. That cloudiness and inability to control thoughts and emotions makes it hard to make informed decisions. For me personally, I also have ADHD and have problems with impulse control. It’s a slippery slope from thoughts to actions sometimes. I didn’t know for a long time why I would make rash decisions without thinking them through, not just in mania but all the time. My psychiatrist always worries when I’m depressed because given the opportunity I would more than likely make the choice to attempt. Writing this down now makes me sad for myself and all the people who face these same issues. I’ve had several friends who committed suicide, and I wonder often if given the opportunity to make a different decision would they?

I think about this a lot actually and about the honestly unknown number of times I’ve attempted. The one that I still think about the most was the most recent time I was hospitalized in 2020, or it might’ve been 2021. I don’t remember very much of my life, but I’ll talk about that another time. I overdosed on lithium by about a 30-day supply and didn’t call anyone or go to the hospital. Well, I did try to reach out to my roommates at the time, but they didn’t want to deal with my mental health problems. At the time it was gut-wrenching and hard to deal with. I couldn’t believe the people I had grown to trust and care about more than most in my life could betray me like that. However, as years have passed, I understand it more and I don’t fault or blame them for it at all. That’s a lot to handle let alone as two 19-year-olds who just want to party and have fun in college. Anyways back to what I really wanted to talk about.

I should’ve died sometime in the night; they told me I was lucky to be alive. I did not feel very lucky. I got stuck locked up in the psych ward with horrible conditions making me wish I were dead even more. Looking back on that now, even in my lowest moments I try to remember how I felt clinging to life alone in my bed in a place that wasn’t truly home. I think about how different my family and real friends’ lives would be if I had died that day and that’s often enough to keep me going even in my hardest moments. It’s a heavy feeling knowing that making that choice impacts more people’s lives than you would think. My cousin recently talked to me about how me attempting derailed things for him for a while. I felt bad and guilty of course but at the time in the heat of the moment I didn’t think anyone would care enough for it to really make an impact. I see it differently now, I work incredibly hard to maintain and foster healthy relationships and connections in my life and to just up and make that choice sucks. I can’t say I wouldn’t ever make it again, but I hope I won’t. I hope more treatment and medicines and options become available and that I won’t always have to live this way.

That’s all for now, I guess. Thanks for reading.

Peace & Love,

Niamh