Bipolar disorder and how I thought it ruined my life

“Bipolar disorder a shitty disease” was the hook for one of my college essays. As you can probably tell, I was still angry then. Angry at the world, myself, genetics, anyone and everything. Why me I wondered? I asked myself that a lot, pleading and begging the universe for a different outcome.

Why me and pleading for a different outcome didn’t get me anywhere. I learned that the hard way, I am still here and am still bipolar. I was angry and bitter about my diagnosis for years and I used it as an excuse for everything I fucked up in my life. In some cases, it was valid, but in many not so much.

Mostly what I knew about bipolar disorder was from books and movies which all depicted it in a drastically negative light. Becoming manic and shooting someone, delusions, treating people poorly etc. This is what I knew and in that moment of finally being diagnosed correctly I knew that my life was over. I expected to feel relief at finally knowing what the challenges were I was facing, instead I was just angry.

I’ve spent years working towards ensuring I no longer have that outlook. It’s kind of like the 5 stages of grief; I had to go through them to get to where I am now: acceptance.

For a long time, I thought being diagnosed with bipolar 1 meant I would never get to have a normal happy life. For years this was true. I gave up at several points with suicide attempts and self-loathing. In recent years my outlook has shifted, and I’ve accepted it as a part of myself and part of who I am. I also recognize that it is not the full story of myself. I am a good friend, a student, a leader, a sister, a daughter, and someone who happens to struggle with mental health. I can do and be all the things I want in the world and be bipolar. I can’t lie though; many goals and aspirations are made harder due to the disease. However, good support systems in place help to aid and bridge the gaps, for me at least.

19-year-old Niamh was wrong though. She would be dumbfounded at the life I now live. She thought I wouldn’t have one, and now I do. I now hold a bachelor’s degree (it was a struggle to get there but I got it eventually), I work a full time job I love, I have a great psychiatrist (yes they are out there keep looking), I have the most amazing friends who have my back, and most of all I respect myself and accept myself for who I am. Bipolar disorder did not ruin my life like I expected. Instead, it now makes me want to be that support person and assist someone else on the journey of life,

Peace and Love,

Niamh