Anger to Understanding: Grappling with mental health

The past, a complete and utter shit show. To my knowledge, this seems to be a common theme in the lives of those who are impacted with mental health challenges.

Trauma and struggles are nothing new to my family, but mine specifically go back as far as I can remember. I can’t recall ever feeling true happiness and peace for an extended period. At 7 years old I remember hating life and wishing I didn’t have to live it anymore. Take a moment and let that sink in…

7 years old, wishing I was dead. Life was not sunshine and rainbows, but every negative outweighed the positive tenfold. I couldn’t comprehend or understand why I felt so different from everyone else my age. I was bitter and angry that moments of joy were fleeting, and I felt trapped and alone. In crowds of people, with my family and friends, all I felt was loneliness. One thing my family was not great at was communication especially of our feelings. I didn’t have the skills, abilities, or understanding of how I was feeling to attempt reprieve and ask for help.

Looking back now, I wish I would have done a lot of things differently. That doesn’t help though… Wishing and hoping to change the past will not accomplish anything. Moving forward and continuing to fight my battle is. 

This is a step I continue to take every single day. I don’t wake up expecting the sunshine and rainbows, but I chase them now. I follow my passions and write about my feelings: good, bad, ugly, and beautiful. One day at a time seems like such a cliché but I recognize now in adulthood that its real.

When I started this piece a few months ago, I was in a very different place than I am now. I look back on it and I see the hurt and anger in the words on the page. I still feel that way sometimes, but I can have more of a balance now which has honestly been hard. I haven’t experienced emotions like the average person for most of my life so having positive feelings kind of stresses me out because they usually lead to mania for me.

I’m taking this whole feelings thing one step and one day at a time and I think everyone should. Societally I feel like people are always expected to know what to do and how to feel but I think not knowing or giving ourselves the time and space to think about our feelings should become common practice. Think about it…

Peace and Love,

Niamh